Parenting is Easy! (a parody on advice)

Breast is best – but not in public – that’s gross. Only breastfeed in your house. Make sure to get out of the house when you have a newborn.

Don’t leave the house between naps or your baby might fall asleep in the car. Napping in the car will mess with his schedule. Don’t ever wake a sleeping baby, unless you’re trying to protect a sleep schedule – overtired babies won’t sleep. Extinction is the only way to get a baby to sleep, but if you let baby cry, he’ll feel neglected. Forever.

Don’t neglect your child; don’t over-parent, either. If you hover he’ll never learn his limits. Playing independently will definitely result in injury, so never leave your child unattended.

Leaving your child unattended is the only way to get anything done. But never mind the laundry – it will still be there tomorrow.  Just make sure baby has clean clothes today. Also make sure the baby eats a well balanced, organic, homemade diet. 

Good nutrition includes plenty of vegetables, but don’t make mealtime a power-struggle. Never use food as bribery. Give out treats for using the potty – this will help you break through a child’s  potty training resistance.

Don’t push potty training before your child is ready. Let your child reach milestones at his own pace. You won’t be able to send your child to preschool until he uses the potty, and preschool is an extremely important milestone.

Play-based preschools are the only way to go, but some kids thrive in more structured environments. Give your child plenty of boundaries & firm discipline, then stand back and let him assert his independence.

Be consistent.

Sign your toddler up for swim lessons, a soccer team, music class, ballet & open gym to help him cultivate his interests. Quiet days at home are important. Overstimulation can cause social disorders & brain damage. So will TV.

Don’t let him watch more than one hour of TV per day. (see ‘never mind the laundry’, above.)

Support him – not too much – he might just learn to depend on you.

Dependency is weak. Expressing feelings is brave. Encourage him to unapologetically express BIG emotions. Teach him to apologize when his emotional rage hurts someone. 

Never force anything that’s uncomfortable for your child. Everyone knows we only grow when we get comfortable being uncomfortable….

So there you have it – really, there’s nothing to it! 😉

xxx, MamaFulch

Ephesians 6:4      Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

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